I wrote this in the Spring of '06 as part of a larger essay entitled and predicting Civil War II during the outrage in the heartland over all the Mexican flags being waved in our streets by illegal aliens demanding their "rights."

Hey Mexico!

To the utterly corrupt government of Mexico:  Listen up!  We have a serious problem here, and you are a part of it.  You need to think clearly about whether it is in your best interest to continue to exacerbate the problem, or if it might be better to assist with the solution.

One thing is for sure:  The days when you could dump your economic failures on the USA by sending your unemployed North to earn some serious hard currency for your economy are over.  We will soon be sealing the border, one way or another!

Your President was on TV the other day angrily saying there was no way he would permit us to build a wall on the border.  Huh?  Excuse me, Mr. Fox, but who the hell gave you a say over what happens on the sovereign soil of the USA?  Surely that wasn’t a military threat, was it?

Just how do you plan on preventing it?  The only way I can see that you could, would be to stop the illegal immigration from your side of the border.  What would it take to get you to close your Northern border like you have your Southern one?  Until you decide to do so, here is a heads up for you: 

It seems that the obvious solution to the cry from both sides of our border to throw it open, would be for us to simply annex Mexico as the fifty-first State.  The problem with that idea is that we would end up with two radically different cultures.

That just wouldn’t work, one or the other would need to dominate, and I prefer ours.  You folks aren’t ready to abandon Mordida for individual liberty and capitalism yet, but perhaps we can change that. 

To hear our clueless academic, political, and media elites tell it, the strength of America lies in the diversity of its immigrants, and we couldn’t survive without constantly taking in ever-increasing numbers of economically oppressed people to do the jobs our ghetto dwellers don’t want, and keep their Social Security and Medicare Ponzi schemes from collapsing.  Perhaps your problem down there isn’t the rampant corruption of your government, but rather your insular society, so I am going to do you a big favor.

As an American taxpayer, I am feeling a bit economically oppressed myself these days.  The Cherokees among my ancestors also predated the Europeans on this continent.  Like yours, they could range on either side of the Rio Grande at will, and if we could go back far enough we probably have common ancestors.  Unfortunately, history on this continent couldn’t be properly recorded until Europeans taught them how to read and write, so we will never know.

Mine were taught English by British preachers and assimilated into an Anglo/Protestant culture, while yours were being taught Spanish by the Conquistadors’ padres and assimilated into a Spanish/Catholic culture.  It was the luck of the draw with the trade winds.  A couple of different minor decisions by sea captains, and it could have easily been the other way around.

Sovereignty, borders, real-estate, and land ownership were curious European notions forced upon them, but they adapted.  Heretofore, I had accepted that our more recent ancestors sorted out the border between us at the end of Polk’s war with Santa Anna over a century and a half ago.  Apparently, you haven’t, so I have decided to accept your premise that heritage trumps sovereignty, and will expect you to prepare for the following: 

I have decided to move back to Mexico; only this time instead of coming as the Captain of a three million dollar yacht, spending winters and lots of greenbacks in Cabo San Lucas, I plan on making my living on the local economy.  I will be bringing a few thousand friends and their entire extended families with me.  I found all the onerous time-consuming paperwork and Mordida insufferable last time, so we will bypass all the nonsense at official border crossings and just walk, wade, or swim across at some convenient spot a few at a time.

While the truth is we will be the vanguard of a fifth column of Anglos, intent on establishing our culture in Mexico, please just think of us “undocumented-immigrants” or “undocumented-workers.”  Our ancestors having bequeathed us the right to live anywhere in North America, there is nothing “illegal” about a human being, and all of that hype; we would be horribly offended if you referred to us with a “racist” label like “illegal aliens,” “gringos,” or “wet-feet.” 

There may be a few bad actors, serious criminals, drug addicts, violent gang members, and otherwise nefarious characters among us, but by and large we will be hardworking upstanding folks who just want to live the good life in the land of long afternoon siestas.  Where we cross, they can effortlessly bring their drugs and guns with them, but don’t even think about “profiling” Anglos, even if your prisons become half-filled with “undocumented aliens.”

Don’t worry, we will all do our best to avoid contact with your law enforcement officials, but when we do encounter them, we expect them to be able to speak English so we will understand our rights when they read them to us.  While you are teaching them English, be sure to instruct them that they are not allowed to ask us to prove we are in Mexico legally

If they do accidentally arrest us on immigration violations, we are to be promptly released on our own recognizance with a court date a year or so away.  Even if we do bother to show up for the hearing, we won’t be able to afford lawyers, so be sure your public defenders speak good English too. 

Actually, we will expect all bureaucrats to speak English, all government forms printed in English, and private businesses to adopt English signage, advertising, and phone recordings because we are proud of our Anglo heritage and have no interest in adopting your language and culture.

This means, of course, that you will need a massive SSL (Spanish Second Language) program in your schools because we expect you to educate our children for free in their native tongue.  You might as well start working on the American Culture and History curriculum, as we require that you teach them to prefer our way of life, not yours.  We plan on establishing Anglo enclaves all over Mexico and can’t risk our children going native on us. 

Speaking of children and plans, we are really looking forward to the free health care!  Medical insurance has become frightfully expensive up here.  It will take a very long time to get over the novelty of being able to waltz into a hospital emergency room with the slightest sniffle, sprained ankle, or stubbed toe for some free meds and bandages to ease the discomfort, without all the insurance and credit hassles at the front desk.

You will need to make sure medical staffs all speak good English so they can ask us the right questions to diagnose our illnesses.  More importantly, we are looking forward to being able to afford big families again.  Hospitals are about to become a growth industry down there, as our young bucks are going to bring strong healthy women, or marry some of yours, and produce just as many precious little Mexican citizens as they can.

Not only will these kids then be able to sponsor their extended families legal status, if we can breed exponentially it won’t take long before we outnumber your natives.  I am unmarried and getting long in the tooth, but since recreational drugs will be free, I suppose I should take a young local wife, pop into the nearest hospital occasionally for a bottle of those nifty little blue pills, and contribute a few litters to our massive breeding plan myself.

We will be working hard at whatever our talents permit, but will much prefer to be paid cash under the table to avoid paying taxes, and/or having to produce phony documents.  Please advise your people that we will buy their old beater cars, but won’t be bothering with insurance, learning your traffic laws, or even how to read your road signs.

If you want us to get Mexican drivers licenses, then we will expect to automatically be registered to vote in your elections at the same time.  You can call that “Motor-Voter,” and be sure to send our voter pamphlet to us in English.  It goes without saying that we expect to find the ballots printed in English.

We will display Old Glory often and especially at our huge conspicuous annual Fourth-of-July American Independence parties and parades.  We won’t tolerate any negative remarks from your citizens then either, since it would obviously be an act of racism to object to our flaunting the American flag and our preference for our own culture. 

I could go on, but I suspect you get the idea.  Do you think you just might have a little difficulty selling that plan to your citizens?   It isn’t flying too well up here either, now that our citizens are awakening to the massive scope of our immigration “crisis.”  Our politicians are having a devil of a time explaining why they aren’t anxious to put an immediate stop to it.  Look, help them out here.  How about we just make a deal? 

It occurs to me that Mexico is basically a Socialist country, cursed with a disadvantaged underclass that would prefer the opportunities Capitalism offers to those willing to work hard as individuals for their dreams.  We are a nominally Capitalist country, cursed with a privileged class that would prefer the mindless security of the centralized planned economy Socialism offers to those with a herd mentality.  Why don’t we trade?

One for one seems fair for the insignificant ones; we will trade you one ghetto dweller for one bracero.  For our pointy-headed egocentric University professors, journalists, and politicians, we can offer you two for each honest bracero.  How about ten?  OK, a hundred?

Hey, will you just please take them?  Rumor has it that an even more liberal regime is scheduled to take over down there soon, and these tortured souls would be so much happier there.  You would love them; they are all reliable Socialists without the slightest inclination to think for themselves. 

Look, we really don’t want to build a wall, and wouldn’t even consider it if there were a viable alternative.  How about this:  Let’s play Mordida.  All Mexican officials appear to be for sale.  We would like to outbid the smugglers and coyotes.  Since ours seems to always be distracted elsewhere on the globe, we would like to rent your Army.

It would be infinitely cheaper in the long run if we budgeted say $250,000,000 a year for Mordida.  Here is the plan:  There are about 2,000 miles of border.  Pick twenty of your favorite Generals and assign a 100 mile sector to each of them.  We will put $10,000,000 into a personal escrow account for each of them, and the other $50,000,000 into one personally for their Commander in Chief.

Then, for every illegal we catch crossing our border anywhere other than a legal border crossing, we will deduct $10,000 from the General’s account and $10,000 from their Commanders.  Every time we interdict drugs coming across the open border, we will dock both $100,000.

At the end of the year, whatever remains in the accounts will be released to those who earned it, and we will automatically pony up another $250,000,000 for the next year.  I’ve seen your unsmiling Federales, and I know they could easily make this work if tasked to.  It is a win-win; think about it. -Dave


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